Brighter Side of Life

Its a Monday, usually a drag for some, but today has been the best I have felt for some time. I'm in such a wonderful mood its almost silly. Its not that anything special has happened per se, but I feel so hopeful and as a result, I'm smiling from within.

I used to take a meditation walk first thing every morning and it was such a wonderful start to the day, but due to the downturn of my health I slowly ceased to get out there. I have been wanting to get back to it for sometime, but with all the crazy dizzy spells and the gasping for breath just to get down the stairs in my house, I was yet to venture out again on a regular basis. Anyways, I had decided that this year was going to be different from '09. I mean, don't get me wrong, last year was totally amazing for me in terms of personal achievements, but health wise, I was a mess with a total of four stays in hospital for sickle cell crisis so severe, I simply couldn't manage them at home on my own.

Off to a late start, I was still determined to slowly build myself up and out of the house, better yet, get back to the point where I was before; wearing weights everywhere I went, even after my meditation walk and a session of skipping. First of all though, I needed to be able to get up and down them damn stairs without hyperventilating and aching all over. Well, I semi-started last week, with the walking I mean, and pushing past the pain and dizziness, I felt very good for it. Though by the time I got home, I was good for nothing and would have to take a nap. Even so, I made an effort to go up and down the stairs at least five times a day.

Yesterday I decided to try out my jump rope again. I didn't have any high expectations and only aimed for a count of 15, but my hope was to do repetitions of the same amount a few times a day. I only managed to do two sets, but again I felt good. Today is a new day and with it came a new zeal. I wanted to do better and so far I have. Thus far I have raised my count to 40, I've done 5 reps AND gone out for a long walk, climbed stairs! No significant pain, in fact I'm eager to do more. Finally, I am getting back to ME!

If that ain't something to be happy about I'll take it a step further. I was doing some research about something I have been craving a lot of as of late, just to make sure too much of it wasn't bad for me and, it turns out that it naturally inhibits pain, hmmm. So I've been putting it to the test and so far, I have no complaints, in fact I'm in awe (I will be doing a radio show about it soon enough), but that's not what I was getting at. On one of the pages I sought information from, there was a link to a 1000 word a day challenge for writers. Just what I needed right now! So I followed it and for those who feel they may fall short of 1000, there is the 500 or 250 option. NaNoWriMo was a wonderful incentive for me to write and though I didn't complete the challenge (50,000 words in 30 days), I achieved so much! Some of my best writing was born out of it (even though I lost it all), but I'm so pumped. I'm not going to overwhelm myself, I'm going to go for the 500 option and maybe later try for 1000. So I am committing myself to writing toward my novel everyday, and if I'm not in the mood for it, you'll find the contribution for said day here.

Faking The Funk

So I've finally admitted that I lost the two sequels to my book. Hmm now what? Well since then I have been acting like all is well, uploading movie clips and until last week, health permitting, I have kept up with the Nubian Scribes radio show as usual, but my heart hasn't been in it. I've been going through the motions, trying to carry on in the same manner I would advise anyone else in my situation to do. "Come on girl, you're not trying to tell me a lil pain is gonna stop you?", "I know you've lost a lot, but the books were more than just the words you wrote. Take your time and start again, it may even be better this time", "Heartbreak, ya frickin' sissy get the hell over it, no man is worth this many tears".

If you find yourself in a car crashed you are advised to not shy away from being behind the wheel, on the contrary, its best to jump right back into the drivers seat asap. Yup, I know the theory and based on that principle, I have tried hard to follow through with the practical. I've opened my manuscripts and written a couple of chapters, but writing to my book feels like an uphill climb. The next best thing is to write no matter what, even if it isn't words that contribute to my books, hence the attention I'm giving to my blog as of late. Last week I set myelf a few tasks as a way of jump-starting myself back into action and I'm happy to say I have made some progress for it. By the end of the week, my world fell to pieces once again and I felt like I was back to square one.

I got good peeps around me and they have been strong with words of encouragement, but there comes a time when I don't want to hear my own bullshit, so I stop talking about it. If I'm not strong enough sound like I'm not in pain, then next best thing is to not talk at all, hence the cancelling of the radio show. I didn't have the stamina to fake the funk for a straight hour. I've been faking for long enough as it is, and while it seems it would have gotten easier, it actually hasn't. I don't want to discuss the thousand differnt ways this is going to make me a better person, I already know this. I don't want to consider how many ways I can back up my work and prevent this from happening in the future, I've been a certified computer technician for 10+ years and an IT Tutor for 7. I don't need to hear how he's an ass and I'm worth so much more, come on, how many times have I consoled you through similar? It's partly because of all of the above that this is so maddening, because I KNOW THIS, and hearing myself talk nonsense is enough to make me wanna step outside myself so I can get better leverage to furnish my person a bitch slap.

Pick your gotdayum ass up and stop acting like a fricking wuss! I'm more or less used to my body being unruly, going off and surrendering to pain every once in a while, but when at the same time, my mind sees logic and fails to act on it, it's like I've entered my own personal Twilight Zone. I'm becoming a FB addict for heaven's sake, can it get any worse??? LOL Okay all is not lost, I still have my smile.

So here's the plan - Mourning is over, including the faking of the funk:

Being of the few who know the nutritional benefits of sci-fi, I intend to OD on it for the next couple of days, as well as get back to doing my meditation walks.
I need to get this 'fro braided already, so I can get to focusing on other stuff, such as my weekend away where massages are plentiful and room service is standard. I've written some notes for my books, I intend to follow through with another chapter (I wrote one already this week).

Geez, why am I here babbling, I got shit I need to do!