2009 Stocktake

We are coming to the end of 2009 and all I can say is WOW, it sure has been one helluva ride! For me personally it has been fun, frightening, challenging, exhausting, overwhelming, but most of all fricking awesome! So here I am doing what I usually do at this time of the year, doing a stocktake of lessons, regrets, achievements etc. This helps me to work out my personal kinks by seeing what worked, what could have been improved on, how I have grown and where I want to go from here. Sure we all have a general life plan like 'I wanna be rich' or something like that, but after another 365, how much closer are you to becoming that person you aspire to be or owning xyz? As mentioned in my last video 'Gratitude 2009' I said that for me it has been a cerebral year. Indeed the majority of my small successes stemmed from 'eureka' moments found in the midst of quiet solitude. I spent a lot of time immobilised by incessant sickle cell crises that landed me in hospital about 3 or 4 times, and when they did not result in an admittance, I still found myself bed bound for weeks at a time. The upside was it forced me to try to find a way to still achieve something small each day, better yet, promote my book despite my inability to get out on the street and work a good hustle. Now I had heard of book trailers, but I didn't have the funds to invest in one, which at the time was going at the rate of $300. But hey, reading is fundamental, so that's exactly what I did. From what I could see, they were just a series of static pictures with words that floated on and off them. I researched hard into finding out how to make one myself. After all, for a part-time geek like me, how hard could it be? Turns out it was simple, just a case of a couple of hours to learn the necessary software. Score! I now had a movie clip that I could put all over the Internet and have many more people viewing it and learning about my book even as I slept! But more importantly, I had learnt a new skill that had a lot of potential. This eventually had me create a new channel on youtube, from which many more videos could be viewed.

Everytime I took ill, I found a way to turn my negative into a positive by coming up with a new idea for how to promote my book and keep myself from going crazy with boredum. The conclusion I reached was that, where my body couldn't take me, my mind would exceed that journey. All the effort I put into promoting my book online assisted in developing a reputation ahead of myself offline. I've even had a young woman approach me with her credentials as an actress for when my book gets made into a movie LOL.

I can't say I have any regrets, because I made it my quest to re-channel any energy that could be perceived as negative, into a positive. If anything that is something I wish to continue into 2010 with. Overall I think my motto will remain the same; don't work harder, work smarter. Quit trying to physically be in 100 places for the sake of short term results.

On a personal note, I believe I tell myself this every year, but for some reason I fail to follow through; be selfish, I want to put the same amount of effort into myself as I do everyone else. N9ne Day (09/09/09) was a wonderful day for me. I turned off my phones and treated myself to a whole pampering package, hair done, mani, pedi, facial, massage and photo shoot. I'm not going to wait for another special event to take place for me to be worth it. 2010 is personal ;)

Gratitude 2009

Author Tosin Coker in 5 Minutes

Hunger Pangs

I swear I was born into the wrong timeline :( The tech on this planet is still too big and cumbersome (or expensive), we are still having to contend with airports and pollution and I have to use my fingers to type!!!!!

Seriously though, I'm having withdrawal symptoms of so called sci-fi, so much so that I think my 3 year old nephew is right (in the middle of a family discussion he side-stepped every other member and came straight up to me and outted me as being an alien!) I'm just wondering how he knew before I was ready to confess it to myself, dayum! Anyways, I either need a new piece of tech, I or a daily infusion of good 'sci-fi'. Last week, things got so bad I went to watch 'The Day of The Triffids' on youtube. It was good, but barely a snack, I need a full course meal, something I can really get my teeth into, that has me wipe my brow, unbutton my jeans and belch in satisfaction. I've been enjoying the new series of 'V' only to get four episodes in to find the fifth will not be aired until March 2010!! Does someone want me to die of malnutrition is that it? Is it not bad enough that I'm stuck here on a planet where the latest tech would be considered an unsafe toy, for the levels of radiation the emit?

All I'm asking for is a few more peeks at depictions no matter how inaccurate, of other worlds I have a preferrence to incarnate on.

Signed,
Teeny

Back to the KISS Method

My soul's tide governs my body's flow. Unfortunately at times my body thinks it knows better and retaliates governance. In my case, pain is the result. In my optimism I would say that the silver lining to this cloud (though it never seems like it at the time), is that I don't have a long wait before I discover that I've made a wrong turn. When my body and soul fall out of synchronicity, I soon get a sharp warning. Problem is, whether or not I recognise it, and whether or not I heed it. What I find is that whenever I do fall out of synch, I have to take a step back and re-think my strategy. The process is never as calm as I feel at the point of writing this blog. It's usually more of a wailing and gnashing of teeth, as I woefully cry out "why now dayum it?! I got things to do!" After all the emotional outbursts that usually occur during the time of experiencing residual pain and side-effects of having to take toxic pain meds, I get back to my rational self and meditate. What I usually find is that I learn a new way of simplifiying the tasks I have recently been overwhelmed with. In the absense of being able to utilise my physical, my mental and spiritual become sharper.

I am practical by nature, so much of what I do based on the principle of simplicity, but "necessity is the mother of invention" and is definitely the middle name of my muse. There are so many things I need to get done, not enough time to do them in, and I need to also cater for how my body needs to be able to somewhat keep up with my mind (which is damn near impossible) and thus a need is created and a way soon presents itself in the form of my having a 'Eureka' moment of clarity. First things first, we must start with one of my oh so wonderful lists that will determine Priority, Urgency, Feasibility and Effort Required.

I'm off for a date with my pen and pad! :)

The Payoff

In and amongst all the effort, sometimes I'm told something in passing that truly makes my day. Hearing that someone purchased my book is always sure to make me smile, but equally so is hearing that my book has been heard of or recommended to someone I have bumped into.

A week or so ago I was sat in on a presentation on the spiritual aspects of pregnancy and child birth. I asked the speaker if she had written a book on the subject and another person jumped in and told her that I had written a book that she might enjoy reading. When the speaker saw the cover the first thing she said was, 'Oh a I've been hearing about this through my email, I've been recommended to purchase this book by a couple of my associates.' I'm not gonna front, inside I beamed with happiness. I haven't used email marketing as a way to promote my book, however I do have information about it in my signature, and I had absolutely no connection to this woman whatsoever. I was happy because people are talking about 'The Mouth of Babes' to the point of it being a topic amongst emails - Wow!

Even during my recent spell in hospital one of the in-patients came to speak to me and another patient mentioned to her that I am an author. I gave her my last card and as soon as she saw it she said,' I've heard about this book! Oh my god you're the author? I can't believe it!'

Sometimes it feels as if I'm putting in all this hard work - creating book trailers, hosting the radio show, writing blogs, promoting via social networking etc and I have no idea if there is any point to it all. Sales aren't exactly booming, although there is a steady growth I'm still happy grinning in appreciation of, but unless I'm at a speaking engagement where I can physically see my novel flying off the shelf in real time, I can't help but wonder sometimes. Six months after making my book available for purchase, I find myself randomly bumping into someone who has heard about my work, and it feels so good to know the hard grind is paying off. I'm far from being the next Octavia Butler, but I'm getting feedback at times when I least expect it. What can I say, it makes my day to know my efforts aren't in vain.

The 'to do' List

When shit hits the fan, it doesn't stop spinning. I think this recent hospital stay was the one I was best prepared for, if there can be such a thing. Since the last time, I took it upon myself to have an overnight back packed and ready with everything from my toothbrush to my Acer Aspire One netbook and cell phone charger. Being pre-packed didn't make things that much easier, but at least my stay would be a little more tolerable once the worst was over.

Being admitted as an emergency patient is always a traumatic sequence of events that no matter how many times I endure, just never seems to get any easier. When I'm at that point of having to call for an ambulance to take me in, so many things go through my mind, from 'NO NOT AGAIN!', to how bad a mother I am for once again having to leave my children to become the responsibility of other family members at such short notice. It's gotten to the point that I have to have a back pre-packed for them also. That's the best part. The worst is seeing the fear and sadness on their faces when I finally admit I cannot take anymore, I need to go to hospital. It's like a form of surrender, selling out to abnormal gene that dictates who runs this ship. During those times, I am not only beaten physically, but emotionally and mentally too. I hurt in ways that are never documented in medical text books.

When I come home, it is not because the pain is 100% gone, it is because there is not much else that can be done for me. I'm often still in pain, and now in need of a a serious detox to rid my body of all the residual traces of morphine and it's side effects. I can walk again unassisted, though not very far before my legs threaten to give way, or my vision blurs for how doped up I still feel, despite my last dose having been admitted over 24 hours prior. I physically feel like shit, emotionally I'm drained and at this point I'm tearful, wondering what the hell this is all about. Why am I here, I'm a waste of space, there is no point in trying if it all amounts to me arriving at this same place time and time again.

But the world doesn't stop turning, when I come home, though I'm barely sentient, my awareness is drawn to the fact that this bill arrived while I was away and has to be paid asap, and that form has to be filled in or one service or another will be cut off. At the same time all the people that wanted a piece of you before you went in are on tenderhooks hurrying you to get well, because they still need your help with heaven knows what.

All I want to do is curl in a ball and cry. I'm still in pain, can I have a moment to pull myself together please?

Phonecalls: 'why didn't you tell me you were in hospital?' Seriously, its nothing personal, but making an announcement that I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it through this time, really wasn't at the top of my list of things to do.

Emails: 'I've sent you 'zyx file' can you edit, format, upload etc for me by tomorrow please!' Google is your friend people, and guess what, the service is even more free than I am!

Children: 'What are we going to eat today?' OMFG the kitchen might as well be in New Dehli for how far it seems for me to get there. Oh what you want me to cook too?

Letters: 'We need your response yesterday!' Your lips, my arse! Take a fricking number.

By sheer grit and determination, I make it up to my room and once I'm there, I'm struggling to figure how to make my head stop spinning. I fall on the floor and decide I may as well use this opportunity to take my shoes off and then, in my delirium I shove them in the wastepaper basket. I take of my coat and tuck it into bed then wonder what's wrong with this picture. I finally get that the awful taste in my mouth is a warning I would do well to heed, except when I look at my prescription, I want to burst into tears as I wonder whether is it the white tablet or the pink one I'm supposed to take to counteract the need to hurl Exorcist style across my cold laminate flooring? Between the pain that has yet to cease, and envying my snug looking Rocawear coat, I'm trying to practice sounding 'okay' for the person who wont stop ringing the godayum phone.

The most gutting thing of all is knowing that this isn't my having an off day. This is my life as a person living with sickle cell. At times like this, all I can do is lock off for a couple of days, shed tears till I have no more, then pick myself up and get on with life, whilst in the back of my mind, secretly waiting for the punchline.

This is the aftermath of having being admitted to hospital for a severe pain episode that was beyond my ability to manage at home. Don't let even get started on what the pain is like.

The Unemployed Bum

Just because you have a million and one things to do, doesn't mean you will be guaranteed to get them done. And just because your present intentions are sincere, doesn't mean they get immunity from circumstances beyond your control to execute them. So yeah, I have sickle cell.... yada yada yah, and I'm also an author (more yada yah). I'm also a person do doesn't take kindly to being told she can't. I'm stubborn to a fault, and I don't know when to quit.

It confuses the hell out of me when people that are 100% healthy are not just unemployed (shit happens, none of us are immune to that), but choose to wallow in their situation and even blame their lack of 'xyz' on there inability to improve it. I'm self-employed (which at the moment is barely a stones throw from unemployed when we look at it from a financial perspective), but what keeps me busy, whether paid or not, is what I do in spite of not having a weekday 9-5 and a meagre monthly salary. I work, and damn it oftentime I work more hours than your average 9-5er and for less pay too. I do it not only because I can, I do it because I must. I do it to prove to myself that it is possible, that I'm not a waste of space and I because have children that need a role model. I will not have my short peeps grow up thinking they don't have to try, after all, mummy sat on her arse doing nothing. Hecks naw! I take my role as a mother very seriously and I believe that much of being a parent is a combination of 'do as I say' and 'do as I do'. How do I encourage my children to work hard and BE their best, if I'm doing nothing of the sort?

I don't just do it for them though, I do it for my sanity. How the hell does someone who is not limited by the contraints of their body, sit at home doing nothing but eat, shit 'n' sleep, day in - day out? If I don't achieve something, no matter how small everyday, I feel as if I may as well not exist. I'm little more than a useless eater, totally out of synch with the universe, because all that is natural and in accordance with oneness does not only take, it gives too. Just like the tides can not only ebb, they must also flow.

It's been about a year and a half since I last earned a monthly paycheck, but if a future employer were to ask me, 'What have you been doing since your last form of employment?' I could hold my head up and give an exhaustive list of new skills I have attained from writing and promoting books to hosting a radio show and becoming a motivational speaker.

It's not about having formal papers to tell you that you have a right to BE. After all, qualifications are just a socially accepted measure of your ability to perform well within a particular environment. In the age where wikipedia rules, how to's and tutorials are freely available on the internet, Joe Randoms are becoming experts in all areas. So why not enhance yourself and become an authority in your field of interest? I know a person who taught themself how to read, I know peeps who have learned how to install telephone extensions, and I have taught myself how to sell books that I've written, simply through creative application of what I already knew, and thus I know more for having done so. You don't have to move mountians, but beyond your overdrawn bank statements, prove to yourself that you exist. When your time on this plane has expired, aside from a bitter after-taste, what will be the proof that you came, saw and conquered? What have you done with your life today?

Time To Write

It's been a while since I wrote my last blog, I've been too busy to organise my thoughts, let alone sit down to write. There are so many things I want to achieve that I tend to get upset at myself for not completing my ever growing 'to do' list. So what is it that I want to achieve exactly? Well, for a start I want to complete my trilogy. I'm about half way there, but in the meantime, there are other things that need to be done too.

When you decide to take the route of self-publishing, what isn't really made clear is how much effort is required to make your book not only visible, but accessible to the world. Sure you can upload your finished manuscript to Lulu or Creat Space and voila! Your book is made available to the world, but who aside from close friends and family knows it's there? You talk up a storm on your blogs or social networks, but after a while, the people in your cyber-circle would have heard it all and their ears would become immune to your sales pitch. With zero budget, what else can you do to draw attention to your baby?

For everything that could be possibly done on a shoestring budget, believe me, I've pretty much covered it... well almost, hence my 'to do' list remaining unfinished.

My creativity is one of my greatest assests, couple that with practicality and an affinity with computers and you've got a sister who cannot keep up with her own ideas. I got tonnes of software and a pentium n9ne cpu, but next to no RAM to keep everything running seemlessly. Top that off with sickle cell, and what you end up with is a whole lot of pissed off.

I want not only to help myself, I want to see those around me do well too. Often time that means I volunteer myself to give assistance within the scope of my abilities, but what happens is I end up having people wanting not only more than I offered to do, but more than I am able to give. Give an inch, take a mile, then wonder why I'm taking so long to recouperate from a sudden spell in hospital.

Today I am writing from my bed, three days after being discharged from hospital. The worst of my pain is over, but now I'm dealing with the full extent of what this downtime means. I have a lot of things I need to work out, like the order of importance for what needs my attention most. I have a lot of blogging to catch up on, so I guess now is a good a time as any to use this space to assist in my healing. Time to start writing again.