Friday 29 January 2010

Faking The Funk

So I've finally admitted that I lost the two sequels to my book. Hmm now what? Well since then I have been acting like all is well, uploading movie clips and until last week, health permitting, I have kept up with the Nubian Scribes radio show as usual, but my heart hasn't been in it. I've been going through the motions, trying to carry on in the same manner I would advise anyone else in my situation to do. "Come on girl, you're not trying to tell me a lil pain is gonna stop you?", "I know you've lost a lot, but the books were more than just the words you wrote. Take your time and start again, it may even be better this time", "Heartbreak, ya frickin' sissy get the hell over it, no man is worth this many tears".

If you find yourself in a car crashed you are advised to not shy away from being behind the wheel, on the contrary, its best to jump right back into the drivers seat asap. Yup, I know the theory and based on that principle, I have tried hard to follow through with the practical. I've opened my manuscripts and written a couple of chapters, but writing to my book feels like an uphill climb. The next best thing is to write no matter what, even if it isn't words that contribute to my books, hence the attention I'm giving to my blog as of late. Last week I set myelf a few tasks as a way of jump-starting myself back into action and I'm happy to say I have made some progress for it. By the end of the week, my world fell to pieces once again and I felt like I was back to square one.

I got good peeps around me and they have been strong with words of encouragement, but there comes a time when I don't want to hear my own bullshit, so I stop talking about it. If I'm not strong enough sound like I'm not in pain, then next best thing is to not talk at all, hence the cancelling of the radio show. I didn't have the stamina to fake the funk for a straight hour. I've been faking for long enough as it is, and while it seems it would have gotten easier, it actually hasn't. I don't want to discuss the thousand differnt ways this is going to make me a better person, I already know this. I don't want to consider how many ways I can back up my work and prevent this from happening in the future, I've been a certified computer technician for 10+ years and an IT Tutor for 7. I don't need to hear how he's an ass and I'm worth so much more, come on, how many times have I consoled you through similar? It's partly because of all of the above that this is so maddening, because I KNOW THIS, and hearing myself talk nonsense is enough to make me wanna step outside myself so I can get better leverage to furnish my person a bitch slap.

Pick your gotdayum ass up and stop acting like a fricking wuss! I'm more or less used to my body being unruly, going off and surrendering to pain every once in a while, but when at the same time, my mind sees logic and fails to act on it, it's like I've entered my own personal Twilight Zone. I'm becoming a FB addict for heaven's sake, can it get any worse??? LOL Okay all is not lost, I still have my smile.

So here's the plan - Mourning is over, including the faking of the funk:

Being of the few who know the nutritional benefits of sci-fi, I intend to OD on it for the next couple of days, as well as get back to doing my meditation walks.
I need to get this 'fro braided already, so I can get to focusing on other stuff, such as my weekend away where massages are plentiful and room service is standard. I've written some notes for my books, I intend to follow through with another chapter (I wrote one already this week).

Geez, why am I here babbling, I got shit I need to do!

Thursday 28 January 2010

Reality Check aka A Painful Confession

Maybe this past month I've been in denial. Despite my desire to remain optimistic, I guess the time has come to face facts - it's time to start over, and it sucks big time!

In the first week of last month, I had a crisis so severe, I couldn't even entertain the possibility of not being admitted to hospital. I'm talking pain that was more like random electrical discharges that surged through my body if I tried to instruct it to do the smallest thing. When people have asked me what being in a crisis feels like, I usually say it is similar to the pain of being in labour. You know that point when the mother-to-be screams like a wretched beast: "I don't care what you have to do, just get it the hell outta me! Give me the fucking knife I'll do it my damn self..." Or maybe that was just me? I don't know, but that kind of pain is what it usually feels like. However, this time the pain felt like when you have an exposed nerve in your tooth and just taking in a sip of air feels like torture. That is the best way I can describe what I went through that day.

I came out of hospital two days later, but the recovery time took two weeks. I could barely walk and as such, was stuck upstairs in my room for the duration. By the end of the two weeks I had some how caught this crazy ass flu that made me feel like I was dying all over again. By the end of that I was adamant - I needed to get out of the house. Though it was cold as hell outside, my children had lost their hats, and the mother in me felt bad enough for not being able to cook etc. but allow them to suffer in the cold? That was more than I could handle, so I went out. For most of my journey I was on the phone to a friend via my handsfree, popping in from one shop to another, searching for the kind of hat that had ear flaps (don't know what they are called) before finally buying some minimal preparation food that I could serve up to my short peeps that evening. My outing had been painfully strenuous, but I was just happy that my short peeps head's would be protected from the harsh elements of the season.

Since being stuck in bed, I would allow my youngin's to pile in with me and watch a movie on my notebook, and that evening as we chilled together, I got a text come through on my phone. My eyes widened in horror as I picked it up. My alarm wasn't due to the contents of the text, I hadn't even got to acknowledging that yet, it was the absence of my usb key that usually dangled from it, that threw me. I took a deep breath and got out of bed and started searching for any place it may have dropped. The cord that joined it to my phone wasn't damaged at all, so how on earth did it come off?

After ransacking the house, and remembering clearly that it was still attatched to my phone before I set out, it could only be that I lost it whilst gallavanting in search of head-gear. This was serious, I was in pain again, but I had no choice. I absolutely had to go out and look for it. I tucked my children in bed, promising them to be back shortly, grabbed my torch and opened the front door.

You have got to be fucking kidding me! Of all the worst times, outside was covered in snow that before opening the door, I had been oblivious to. Where the hell did all this come from, I was out there bearly 3 hours prior, there was no signs of snow back then. But even the mini blizzard wasn't enough to stop me, I needed that usb back. I retraced my steps for over 2 hours, leaving descriptions and contact details with every store I had visited that was still open, before finally coming home empty-handed.

I always tell everyone about backing up their data and though I was gutted, at least I still had that much... Or so I thought. My last back up only had one paragraph of the 15 or so chapters of the last book in my trilogy. I had not only lost book 2, but book 3 and all the notes also. The only saving grace is that I had more recently backed up book 2 in the form of sending a friend the first 17 chapters to give me her thoughts on. Even so, since then I had written another 5 chapters or more.

I refused to believe I had really lost so much and so carelessly, that I dared not tell more than 4 of my real close peeps and even then each time I heard myself recount the story, I felt like a part of me died. Speaking of it was like admitting I wasn't ever going to find it again. I preferred instead to hope it would turn up, perhaps I would get a phone call with good news. A month later however, I finally have to take a reality check: It's gone, 20 or so chapters of my soul's passion, gone. It's not coming back. It really isn't coming back.

I haven't been able to write the sequels over again with the same drive ever since. Couple that with tending to a body riddled with pain and a recent heartbreak, and you've pretty much got a sister who despite the front, has totally lost her mojo. Maybe I'm being a little over dramatic, but it feels like I'm suffering a bereavement of sorts, though I honestly don't know which pain hurts most.

Needless to say, it may be a little while longer before book 2 gets published if at all.

Monday 25 January 2010

Oi! Hand's Off The 'fro!!!

As a woman who has natural hair, there are times that I like to wear it in the style of an afro. This happens to be one of my favourite ways of styling it, but unfortunately I don't do it that often, mainly because the weather in London is so miserable, and for some reason seems to attract rain even when not forecasted. I don't know, i seem to have the same problem when I wear all white too, but I digress. The thing that some fail to realize, is that to many of us who are naturals, our hair is not just a statement, regarded it is a divine soul connection. Our hair performs as an antenna, amplifiying varying forms of energy, including light and soundwaves. It is statement of consciousness that goes beyond the physical. My hair to me is the manifestation of my spirituality. Sure it's not the same for all of those who wear their hair natural, perhaps for many it is a cultural statement, or simply a preferred alternative to chemical processing - who knows, I'm sure the reasons are as vast as the styles we can adorn.

For me my hair is sared and that goes beyond the presence of it. As I'm sure you know there are many who report phantom pains after the amputation of a limb. Even those who doubt it and poo, poo'ed the notion before undergoing such surgery are shocked or even confused and ashamed when they too admit to suffering pain in the region of a limb that is no longer present. Why? Because you can cut away the physical, but it does not automatically do away with the etheric/spiritual counterpart. While I shave all my hair off from time to time, that is not to say I respect my natural any less, for its etheric counterpart still remains and holds as much potency for me as does the physical.

Like my spirituality, my hair is something I do not share with just anyone, as its meaning to me is personal. If I am to let someone touch my hair, I'm very wary as to who it is and the energy of that person. Do not touch my hair in anger, even if done gently, I would be as offended as if you had just slapped my face. Bearing this in mind, imagine how I feel when I'm out walking whilst sporting an afro and some random bod reaches out to grab a quick feel? Knowing how I am when it comes to my hair, my short peeps asked me what I would do in this scenario an couldn't stop laughing at the way my jaw dropped in horror at the prospect.

I'm always quick to deflect or dodge this attempts to finger my 'fro, but I was caught off guard once several years ago now. I was as work and a colleague came up behind me and grabbed my hair and started massaging her fingers through it! THE NERVE!!! I was so shocked, that thankfully I was paralysed long enough to overide the reflexive action of my hand drawing back to slap the taste out of her mouth. I found myself gasping for breath at the surge of energy that transfered through her hand and into my head, but because of it recognised that she meant no malice. Evenso I had to asked to be excused from my post so I could and run to the bathroom to recompose myself. Whilst in there, I found myself repeating the word 'Why?' for a straight minute. I was thorougly confused, moreso because it was a black woman! If she were a man I would have felt even more violated, and probably would have followed through with my intent to bitch slap, regardless of the consequences. As it happens, my mortification saved us both, but to this day I wonder why would anyone do such a thing? If my hair was straighted and carefully styled, would it be okay to thrust your hand into it and ruffle it without regard? If I was white, would it be okay to creep up behind me, grab my hair and rumage as though I were an inanimate mannequin?

I may sound like I'm over-reacting, but ladies, have you ever found yourself refering to a hairdresser as having, 'hands that are good for my hair' or telling others how, 'my hair grows well when he/she does it'? Well many a time we ignore the fact that the primary reason for this is more about the energy of that person, than the products they are using, or their level of skill. Ever had a person that was in a bad mood do your hair? How did it feel? With some people who care for your hair, it breaks right? And you don't go back to them because something was off even though everything they did seemed professional and meticulous. Well if you are well attuned to your hair, the sensitivity to others who put their hand in it can be overwhelming.

What people don't seem to get is that grabbing my hair is as intimate as having groped my breasts or my butt. YOU DON'T DO IT, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! As far as I am concerned, if touched without my permission or by a non-family member who is innocently picking fluff out of it, it is a beat down offense.

Even when in a relationship, a sure fire way of testing just how much I am feeling you, is to try to touch my hair. If I recoil or slap away your advance, you are far from being a permanent fixture in my life. If I allow it and even smile when you do, if I'm not already in love, the potential undoubtedly exist for it to happen in due time.

When dealing with a natural sister, though her relationship with her hair may be totally different to mine, the general rule of thumb is to seek permission first, and don't be offended if the answer is no!

Thursday 21 January 2010

Progress Report!

After challenging myself to the completion of 6 tasks in order to force myself out of this slump, I'm pleased to report I achieved 5 out of the 6. I know, I know, I was supposed to do all of them, and as it happens I completed 3.5 of them yesterday. The .5 was my managing to update my myspace profile: Myspace.com/TosinCoker, but not my personal site. Believe me, it wasn't for lack of trying! I was up til past 3am battling with it. Yes I do webdesign, but I've never learnt about flash, well guess what my site is? Yup FLASH! How I managed to get it up and running in the first place, only heaven knows. I had been dreading performing long overdue updates for the simple reason that it would require me to edit .swf files that I am clueless about. See but here is where my stubborn nature is a good thing. I was not about to be defeated, and after challenging myself, it was time to woman up! Huh, 5 hours later, I was close to tears, but more from the possibility of having to admit defeat. I was close to having my geek status revoked, I felt the pressure of my quadcore mothership computer and her blue neon lights that I swear was blinking binary abuse. She had suddenly become too much machine for me to handle I was fast descending into abysmal realm of computer illiterates.... Noooooooooooo!!! Whoa, I was having a flashback, my bad. Back to the point. So I finally carried my ass to bed and even denied myself watching an episode of One Piece (anime series) for good measure. I deserved to be flogged with a cat 5 cable, I was thoroughly gutted and sulked till I fell asleep.

But never fear, there was a twist to this sad story! A true geek dreams such equations, and this is exactly what I did (in between dreams of paying for that fricking parking ticket) and by the morning I felt a renewed sense of hope. A short time after I sat back in front of the 22inch screen of The Mothership, I began to see it. Suddenly what seemed damn near impossible only a few hours before became as clear as day. I even surprised myself with all I managed to achieve. I keep going back to the site and smiling. Yup I can finally stop sending peeps to everywhere but my site: N9NEFORMATION.COM!! Wooohhhh!!!!

As for the video:



I've designed my media kit, now I just gotta fill it and attach a downloadable link on my site (cuz now I know how to do that see). I did go for the walk, and damn near felt like I was fit to collapse. I guess I'm not strong enough to exert myself just yet. Baby steps - literally.

The only thing I didn't do was the 3 chapters. If not for how many hours I spent on the site I'm sure I could have completed that also, but I care not, I'm extremely overjoyed for all I did manage to complete. How could I feel bad when I exceeded my own expectations. The reality is, my site/myspace profile had been bugging me for a few months now. If anything they were my top priority as this is the first impression that peeps looking me up will receive. The 3 chapters were more of a bonus. Not bad for 48 hours eh?

Wednesday 20 January 2010

Git Yo Ass UP!

On and off since October last year I have been suffering sickle cell crisis and little by little it has had me slow my usual pace to a complete halt. Throughout December, the pain was unfathomable and I wound up in hospital for a couple days. When I finally got over that I had some kinda mutant flu that was the worst I had ever experienced in my life and that too kept me in bed. By the time I got over that, guess what? Another fricking hospital level crisis! This time I refused to succumb and did everything from meditative breathing to popping mad pills and covering myself in so much deep heat rub, my whole bedroom seemed to emanate menthol. The thing about having a crisis is, its not just the pain that takes you down, its the time it takes for your body to recover from the whole ordeal, especially if you have to resort to taking potent dosages of pain relief. So during this period, I have been unable to move much, in fact I was stuck upstairs because I simply couldn't get up and down them. Within the space of 3 months, I became... *sigh* a bum! I did naught, but watch back to back anime and sci-fi. I couldn't even read because my head was so bleary for the pain and the side-effects of the meds that was supposed to suppress it. Yup, 1st class BUM!

We are now coming to the end of January and the worst of the pain is over. My knees seem to be in permanent crisis, but I've just had to convince myself that its now just a part of life like my menstrual cycle, and I don't pop pills for that. So live is pretty much getting back to normal, except somewhere along the line I've gone and lost my mojo. Bum mode is all I know now. Motivation, inspiration, passion, who the hell gave the triad permission to abscond and not even give me advance warning? Well, that don't sit well with me. No Sir! Today I'm hauling their bad asses back. Today my year begins with me getting back to me. Over the next 48 hours, me and my stubborn, determined, 'I know you didn't just tell me I couldn't do it' self will be completing the following tasks:

1) Write in my blog (you're reading it now)
2) Put up a new video (I uploaded one yesterday, but I'm gonna put up one today too)
3) Update a couple of my sites (myspace, n9neformation.com are the priorities)
4) Write at least three chapters (this should be interesting)
5) Design my media kit (looooong overdue that I got that finished)
6) Go for a meditation walk. (yup, I will brace the harsh London cold, pray for me)

Updates for the completion of each task will be posted on my facebook page.

Tosin Coker, time to git yo ass up, and remember how to BE!!!!

Sunday 10 January 2010

Collaborative Sickle Cell E-Book

If you don't know by now that I have sickle cell - well I what can I say, my PR skills must need some serious refining, but that's besides the point. I'm taking a short break from writing my book's sequel, to focus on another project, and to do it I'm going to need the help of everyone who has sickle cell, and those who have assisted them when in a sickle cell crisis.

I want to put together a handbook for and by sickle cell patients that will allow collective knowledge to be shared on how to cope with a sickle cell crisis. The blood disorder is so diverse that two people can have completely different responses and what works for one may not work for another. My hope is to put together information of what works, things to avoid, preventative measures etc.

For those who are already having a hissy fit over if I will be earning money from this (cuz lets face it, my people tend to get pissed when someone profits, from a venture like this), I will put all the work into editing, formatting and publishing, but the result will be put in e-book form available for free download by all. If there is enough of a demand, I will make it available on in paperback form at cost price through a medium such as createspace.com or lulu.com

We can wait forever for treatment that has never much been a priority, or we can use the power of 'each one, teach one' to learn from each other.

Through the e-book I will be able to incorporate hyperlinks, so if anyone submitting information would like to have a link to their website included please submit it with your tip/advice/method.

Submissions MUST include:
Name
Age
Sickle Cell type (trait/SC/SD/SS)
Gender
Location

Optional information:
For women - If you have given birth and if so, how many children
Link to web site/page/video
Short bio (no more than 200 words)


If the above is not included, your submission will simply be attributed as being annonymous. I have requested that gender be included, because I believe that advice given by men in regards to issues not suffered by women (eg priapism) and vice versa (eg childbirth) would hopefully be recieved better.

From what I have found over the years, despite what is written in text books, people with trait CAN suffer with crisis also. I'm nterested in hearing from hearing from you too.

This is going to be a big enough job as it is, so I will not be chasing anyone up for anything and submissions that arrive after the deadline, even if only a by a day, will not be included period. I really want to do this in collaboration with peeps with sickle cell worldwide, so please, let's make it happen.

Submissions to be sent to n9neformation @ gmail.com End date: Feb 12th 2010 No exceptions.

Wednesday 6 January 2010

Mysteries of 'The Mouth of Babes' Revealed

It makes a change my announcing the radio show topic so far in advance right? Well one of the most common responses I get from those who have read my book is, "I need to ask some questions about what I read". If not in person, I get this or similar through one or another of my social media outlets from messages on YouTube, to sms messages on my phone. Well, I guess the radio show is a good a place as any for anyone who wants to have questions answered. Some of them will be answered in the sequels, others I have left readers to figure out on their own. For those who can't wait, this show will be for you!

The show will be airing on January 10th 2010 giving time for people to think of what they want to ask and email them ahead of time to guarantee having questions answered.

During this show I will also reveal facts about the book, some of which are known only to a select few and others that not even they know of ;)

Questions can be asked by replying to this post or by emailing them to the show's address: nubianscribes@gmail.com The latter is advised for those who prefer to remain anonymous (please put 'anon question' in the subject heading if this is applicable to you).

Please note that I do not respond to personally to emails to the above address!